Running With Scissors

Wine vs. Whine

2009-03-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

Wine is great

Wine is good

Drink plenty

Everyone should

Whining is bad

Whining's not good

Please make them stop

I would if I could

You know how people like to say you should take something with 'a grain of salt'? Children need to be taken with 'a bottle of wine'. I firmly believe in the benefits of alcohol in the raising of children. I do NOT mean to give the children alcohol, although I have thought about it on more than one occasion myself. Alcohol creates different effects on different people. If it makes you mean and ugly, ignore all of this and keep it to the bar. If you're like me it mellows you out. This is a good thing in the raising of children since their sole purpose in life seems to be to push my every button. If this fails them, they've successfully been beaten. If you're a parent you know how important that ability is. My children can tell when I am drinking. Instead of saying things like, "I hate you and never want to see you again," they've been heard saying, "Mom, you're being fun today!"

Whining can be combatted with nothing but alcohol. I know this for a fact. I am a professional mom. I have taken many a parenting class. They all tell you how to successfully gain control of a situation. This is best done, they say, through timely punishments well suited to the 'crime'. Time-outs are thought highly of. None of these people have ever tried to get MY son into a successful time-out position. Unless you're a pro wrestler, it ain't happening. Sending them to the solitude of their room is another tactic. My son only attempts to break the door down which he's artfully locked on HIS side. After that fails he turns into a toy tornado successfully trashing his room which you know I won't be able to get him to clean. Removal of privileges is another suggestion. I take the Nintendo DS away only to have to deal with the child in the car or a restaurant without this amazing pacifier of sorts. If I take away TV I am removing many a half-hour of personal sanity in which they're quietly tuned in. When my daughter was younger and occasionally at fault I had to take her books away. Yup, the only thing that would upset her was being unable to read. How sick is taking books away? May I recommend the only proven solution: wine. It's a known fact that parental stresses and attitudes effect the children. If you've been transformed into a jolly old elf they will be, too. Laughter is a powerful tool, too. Wine is usually necessary to provoke laughter in the most bleak of situations. So why is that Super Nanny freak on TV so successful? She's a wino. She keeps a flask on her at all times. This rubs off on the children. Are your children so incorrigible that you have thought about intervention? Save all that money and buy a cheap bottle of wine.

Everything Blue

2009-03-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

My face is red

The carpet is now blue

You'd better run fast

'Cause I might kill you

My daughter has a mouthwash fascination. Yes, the girl who won't brush her teeth. (?!) I never let her have any because I thought my son would swallow it or drink it or worse. This is the kid that hid in his room with a bottle of chewable vitamins when he was quite small and had a picnic with his stuffed moose. Well, didn't she come home from a friend's house with a sample of mouthwash from a hotel. This was like a new toy to her. I watched in awe as she brushed her teeth so she could swish the minty fluid about.

I'm over protective to put it simply. I decided it was time to give in to the mouthwash woes. I got Listerine's Agent Cool Blue. It's designed especially for kids my son's age. Used before brushing it turns plaque dark blue. The mouthwash itself is very dark in color. The kids then brush until the teeth turn white, or at least that's the idea. They'd seen it on TV and about freaked when they saw I bought it. They clamored to brush right away, in the middle of the afternoon. Hmm, maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

It turned their teeth blue. It turned the sink blue. It turned the yellow carpet blue... I was immediately disgusted that something so darn BLUE would be meant for kids. They obviously had a hard time keeping it in their mouths.

That was the first day. The second day my son decided, for some reason unknown to me, to carry a cup of Cool Blue into his room without my knowledge. Of course, it got spilled. It looked like something CSI should be called in for. The blue stains and blue spatter were everywhere in his room, mainly concentrated on the light tan carpet.

If you don't know me very well, you might not know I have some serious OCD. This was gonna be a problem. I wasn't gonna lose it, though, I was determined. It took everything I had not to. I went right to work cleaning. I don't even remember beating the child. I don't think I did, after all!

So what do I whip out but my magic blue bottle: Fantastic Oxygen Action. No, this is not a paid advertisement. I just love this stuff. If I thought my insides were dirty, I'd drink it. It takes anything out of anything. I found this miracle product when we had cats. Nothing else would remove cat feces from the carpet where Shiggy, in her sickened stupor, decided to wipe her ass in a long streak across the light grey carpet in the main room. Did I mention we no longer have cats? Anywho, nothing from pet stores or off the internet worked. This stuff rocks!

I was finally able to remove all of the blue from the door, woodwork, carpet and everything else within ten feet. I was feeling pretty smug. I had a talk with the kidlets in which they were sternly warned against further shenanigans. I was sure this wouldn't happen again.

Did it happen again? Nope. I took it away before there was a chance. What was the final straw, you wonder? It was bedtime. The kids didn't really want to brush their teeth but they made it to the bathroom anyway, just for the Cool Blue. Well, my son swished. He managed to do this without spilling it anywhere! Then he immediately ran out to the living room to inform us that he didn't need to brush. His teeth, it seemed, didn't turn blue at all. No blue teeth no plaque and thus no need to brush. I was amazed that he was capable of such logic. That was the last of the Cool Blue. I really need to go write to the Listerine company now.

Wallpaper Woes

2009-02-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

Ever stripped wallpaper? If you said, "No!" keep it that way. I love this new house of ours, don't get me wrong. Wallpaper, though, it's everywhere! Seriously, there is not a single room that isn't papered in some way, shape or form. The living room won't stay. Problem is, it's covering the whole room and it's vinyl. I must say, they used top of the line wallpaper. I fear it will never come down. I decided to start on the kitchen border since it looked like it might be easier and if not at least a smaller task. What a mistake that assumption was.

I decided to invite my sister-in-law over to help. She's got a death wish, I guess, and loves to strip wallpaper, she said. I fixed her quick. We bought 'The Paper Tiger' it's a round hand held contraption that pierces millions of tiny holes in the paper for the remover to penetrate to better reach the glue underneath. That's the idea, anyway. It sounds better than it is. I finally broke it. We tried fabric softener, first, as a glue loosening agent. It made my house April Fresh, but did little else. Then it was time for the big guns. I'd bought DIF, a wallpaper stripper solution. It's supposed to dissolve the glue. Yeah, right. Nothing dissolves the glue- nothing. It also smelled pleasant and not as over powering as the fabric softener.

We followed the directions to a T. Still, the paper scraped off in teeny tiny little pieces leaving the backing and glue behind. My sister-in-law was artfully able to remove the backing, somehow. I was not. Everywhere I did still shows the underneath of the paper. Grr.

Finally it was time, after about three hours, for my sister-in-law to leave. She had to meet a bus at home with her daughter on it. That's more important that my wallpaper, I found out. :( I was left alone to my own devices. Gulp. I did very little over the next few hours. When I gave up, finally, I still had about 1/3 of the room to go- seriously.

I bit the bullet and took on another session a few days later. I got a good amount done. Still, it's not done. I've given up. The hideous border remains just enough to taunt me every time I see it. It's hard to miss.

I've resigned myself to failure. I am going to have to suck it up and invite my sister-in-law over all the damn time or hire someone. If a professional has the same hard time we had, it'll be prohibitively expensive. The funny thing is, the living room, which I hate, matches our furniture beautifully. It's just so not me. Wallpaper, in general, is just not me. The kitchen matches my dishes. The bedrooms match our bedding. Why do I want it down? Maybe I don't. Hypnosis to make me love it might be the best solution.

Wii Addiction

2009-02-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

We got the Wii for Christmas. My kids never once asked for it. That hardly stopped me. It sat under the bed for about a month. I wanted to open it up and try it so badly. Finally the big day came. The Wii was a hit all around, thank dog. It might have been the first thing we set up from all of that present carnage. It was instant wonder.

The kids only ever play it now when friends come over. It is, after all, the ultimate party device. It seems every time anyone comes over the Wii is the center of attention. We have a tween girl karaoke game with a microphone. We have Guitar Hero, which is plain impossible, I decided, after another adult friend and I made complete asses of ourselves one night trying like hell to master it, only to be miffed.

I am addicted to Wii Sports (which the system comes with) bowling. If you know The Dude (what my friends call me in honor of The Big Lebowski) you know she likes to bowl. I am so much better in Wii bowling than I am in real life. I think that's the case with everyone because my young nephews have me beat, hands down. Still, I'm a pro. That's one of my dreams, to either be a pro bowler or own a bowling alley. I know. Toddler's addicted to Dr. Mario. He can battle those viruses for hours on end. If only he were a real doctor...

I decided after a while that if anyone was going to have Wii Fit it was gonna be me. They advertise them every Sunday everywhere for $89. Think anyone actually receives any in their shipment? Nope. The people I know who have them happened upon them before Christmas. Even then I saw none. :( I called, literally, 14 stores. Think one had it? Nope! I tried this for three or four days and finally got lucky. One store had ONE and they saved it for me.

Wii Fit can be addictive and annoying at the same time. It gives you a Wii Fit age based upon your ability to center your weight on the board. My first Wii Fit age was embarrassing. It told me I must trip when I walk. I kid you not. It's a sarcastic little bastard. . We immediately bonded. The first week I worked out for over two hours in three days with it. I haven't really done it much since, but it is a lot of fun. I just tend to ignore anything that might make me feel better about myself. It ruins everything I stand for.

Then there's Bocce and Shuffleboard and all sorts of other highly addictive games that I can use to make a fool of myself. You know the computerized opponents even make fun of you when you play? Seriously. They have a field day with me. Nothing like a little Wii to boost one's self-esteem.

Come on over. We can play Wii if you don't already have one. I think everyone got one for Christmas. You probably did, too. Come over anyway; you can laugh at me!

Black Friday

2008-11-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

I just got a 10MP digital Kodak camera that sells for $160 that was on sale for $90 for Black Friday. I got to Target with the kids about 20 minutes after they opened. It took me a minute to find electronics where I was told they were gone. I looked further and found 10 or so on an end cap at the bottom in the back where they were nearly invisible. :) I grabbed the camera, the memory card that sells for $20 but was on sale for $8 and I got the sale priced extra lithium ion battery, case, cloth, etc. set.

I found a line with only one other person in it because carts couldn't get to it thanks to an ill placed pole. Everyone else was backed up way into apparel. LOL They glared at me like I was stealing, but I wasn't and there was simply nothing they could do but stand there and wait. I was out of the parking lot with my loot within 15 minutes. Channel 9 was there, cops everywhere. The only other item I was contemplating was Guitar Hero for Wii. First off, those were gone. Secondly, I couldn't have gotten it with the kids in tow. I wasn't heartbroken.

The viewer on this camera is almost 3"! It's a great camera. It's charging now, but I did try it while plugged in. My favorite digi cam I've ever had was a Kodak. I'm excited to use it in Malone tomorrow!

We went from there to get gas. It was only $1.84. I got a whole full tank from empty for $32! I felt like I was stealing for real there. Then we got breakfast at McD's where the kids had the whole play place to themselves. We got home just after dawn.

I've never done it before and probably never will do it again, but I had a successful Black Friday field trip today. :)

Permanent Hell?

2008-10-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

So, as you've read I am a substitute lunch lady. I am being told by my loving but insane husband that I should actually go in when called in. I guess we have to pay for the new house. They never made that clear enough for me when we bought it. Grr. I prefer to say I have an appointment or something of the like, when called in, which hasn't been a total falsehood as of yet. I did go out to breakfast with friends at a previously agreed upon time. That's an appointment. I was actually sick once when called in. The other times, for the most part, I have gone in.

It's a terrible feeling not knowing from one day to the next if I am working or not. I need mental prep time before such a job. Any job is disconcerting when it's new. This one is nerve racking to me. It should be no big deal, but I take everything very seriously. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just relax and even slack off sometimes, but no. I was raised strict Catholic; enough said. I hate the dish washing, which I always end up having a hand in. The rest of the chores involved with the job are largely unknown to me still, so I can't just make myself busy. I also can't seem to be fast enough at anything for my taste. It's like a big race. I'm wasn't born with lunch lady speed, it seems. It'll have to be learned. Joy. There's nothing I'd like better than to become a fast lunch lady.

So I got called in to the high school on Monday for later in the week. I had to go today. I couldn't even remember how to get there since I'd only been there once before, a month and a half ago. Tom Tom got me there. Tom Tom thinks it's down the road further, but last time when I got lost I made a mental note so as to not do it again. I think it takes me like 20 minutes to get there. It's not my choice of schools to work at. One elementary school is not even a mile from my house. Another elementary and the middle school are close enough. I guess 20 minutes is okay when you live in the middle of nowhere. I'm trying to get used to that. Everyone complains that working at the high school is too hard; they're too busy there they all say. I have found all places to be equally frustrating and busy.

I am working there three days consecutively this week. That's a huge commitment for me. At least this week I'm not getting the calls the morning they expect me. I was asked to work 4 days, but I turned one down. Luckily, I had made previous plans. It's Halloween that last day and my kids have a parade. Toddler and I plan to attend. He took the day off. That got me out of one day.

I was doing something at work this morning when an older woman whose name I don't know (I know only 2 people's names there of the 6 or so.) confided quietly to me that a position is open. She wondered if I'd applied. This was news to me. She showed me the write up, taped to a table, that explained the position. It's 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, school days only. That would give me snow days and off days home with the kids causing no need for any type of day care. It also allows me to put them on and take them off the bus. It looks so good on paper. It pays about $2/hr. more than I currently make for doing the same job at no notice. The woman told me to steal the paper so I would have the info with which to apply. I did, feeling like red flashing lights and sirens would go off at any minute, triggered by the theft.

Yes, I applied. I had no time to think about it. The deadline for application is tomorrow. I had to scurry home and get the resume out ASAP. I thought it might be nice to have real resume paper for the resume, of which I had none. I scoured the town for some. That means I tried the two stores I live anywhere near. No dice. No resume paper either. I did score a 99 cent pumpkin spice latte, however. Dunkin Donuts is in town and they have a special from 2-5pm right now. I just applied there, too, but I doubt they'd let me work the hours I want. I worked there about 8 years ago, too, and it wasn't a great job. Nothing I can do really is.

The resume got printed on plain paper and I rushed back out to the post office. I tried the door and it seemed locked. The last time I'd gone to the post office it was closed up tight, so this didn't surprise me. I sighed and dropped the horribly time sensitive post in the outdoor box. As the little door to the postal box slammed shut didn't another car pull up. The woman who materialized from it was able to open the door effortlessly. Doh! I then saw visions of a sitcom. I saw myself in the box, feet sticking out, in pursuit of my letter. I stared at the box instead. It said the last pickup would be 4:45pm. I was somewhat safe. It would, in fact, go out today. I just wanted it out earlier today. I was troubled that someone else might get this job that I don't really want instead of me. What is my problem? I don't know. I guess if I have to work this is my best bet. Oh bother.

Garage Sales Suck

2008-10-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

Some people live for this. I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate the sorting and unpacking of the shit. I hate the arranging and pricing of the shit. I hate the advertising of the shit and the marketing of the sale and items. If it weren't for my mom who lives for such insanity, I'd have never made it so far. I stood by largely watching her work her magic to make this whole stupid idea work.

Why even do it? Why punish myself by even having a garage sale? Well, geniuses as we are, we bought a house sans storage. We moved from a house with a full attic and basement to one with neither. It's really a good thing, mostly. I mean, I no longer have to take two flights of stairs to a dungeon full of boxes of unused who-knows-what to do the laundry. Basements are spider and dust ridden nastiness from wall to cold concrete wall. Attics are cool, I guess. The thing is, the more storage space you have the more you tend to store. We had a lot of space and we lived there 11 years. Enough said.

So, I've had a sale for four days, three weeks in a row. The first few days were actually kind of nice in that I made a killing and met all of my neighbors, all of which I like. The next few days I made less and saw a lot of the same people over and over. I'd forgotten their names, so I felt awkward talking to them, all the while wondering what to call them, if anything, and in what house near me they lived. The days passed such that each got less prosperous. I think I made over $200 the first day. Today, I made $6. There's new stuff out all the time, too, so it's not that my stuff is too picked over. I think everyone in the entire small town has been here a few times already. It's really too bad, too, 'cause I still have so much to sell. I don't care so much about the money as I do about getting rid of the stuff we can no longer use or store. I can't donate it ALL, though. Some of it is too pricey and or priceless. People have said they'd come back for the big ticket items and of course they didn't.

Then there's the thieves. My sister wanted me to put out some of her stuff. There still is a camera she wants $100 for and a bracelet she wants $42 for. One bracelet already sold. The third was lifted right out from under me. Some older woman who was dressed so expensively and stylishly came. She was interested in one of the bracelets. She asked me how to do the clasp. I showed her. I put it on her and feigned delight at how it lit up her wrist. She took it off, put it back, and continued to shop. She ended up buying a lot of small stuff. I bagged it all and tallied her bill. She chatted nicely and I never thought. I took it one tragic step too far. I decided she needed a rubber band on the board game she bought so as to not lose all of the pieces. I told her I'd be right back. No one was there. I'd just be a second for a rubber band. Nope. I couldn't find one and quickly gave up figuring tape would have to do. I returned to her side to take the cash and give her the bag. She was terribly cordial in a classy way. I enjoyed chatting with her as sitting there all day is crazy boring. She left. I felt good that I'd sold a bunch. I decided to busy myself by rearranging the stock to cover up the empty spaces that her purchases left. DOH! I saw right then- the bracelet was gone. The very one she'd fawned over. Son of a bitch! I'd just been taken by an old lady who could buy and sell me a few times over. I felt terrible. I called my sister in Georgia to explain the tragedy and apologize. I felt like hell for letting that happen. I contrived all of these ideas to track her down and accuse her, but none of them were logical. It was just a lame attempt to make myself feel better. Now the cameras and last bracelet are in the house. A sign tells people to ask me to see the big ticket items. Nobody even reads it.

People are idiots. My driveway is probably 150' long, right? Ok. Well, at the very end of it is the two+ car garage packed FULL of items for sale. The stock ranges from Syracuse China to socks. You know, people will actually slow down and make a rolling stop out front as if seeing my wares and discounting them all from 150'. I had no idea people in these parts had x-ray vision. They need a way to market that. Then there are the men. Why do men go to garage sales? Good question. I can't answer it. They sometimes ask up front if I have certain items: hunting and fishing goods, stamps, postcards, old gold, tools and electronics. I can respect that. I often know just what I want and asking is logical. Why not take a quick peek, though? What if I have something you didn't know you needed? Then there're the men who just stand outside the entrance to the garage glaring in before returning to their car. The rest of the men revolve around any electronics I have, no matter how lame and old they are. None buy much of anything. The women are slobs. They fondle everything that is laid out with precision for the best possible display, putting nothing back the way they find it. They put back $1 items because they're too expensive yet they'll go to the dollar stores and load up a cart full of crap. Nobody ever looks over the inventory well enough to see everything. I especially like the people who survey half of the garage, seemingly interested, only to leave without even glancing at the other half. One guy had the balls to ask me to take $5 for a stand my uncle made me by hand. I'd labeled it $10. That's a deep discount, is it not? I paused and gently replied that I'd gladly do $7 but not less. He said, "Nope. $5." I said, "Sorry." He said, "I'm walking away!" as if to scare me into taking $5 for this priceless piece of my childhood that would surely serve anyone well for years to come. I said, "Ok, then, have a nice day." Inside my mind, I said, "Leave fast before I slash your tires, Asshole!"

Over all, garage sales are a big fat pain in the back side. I don't recommend anyone have one. However, if you happen to stop at one, be respectful of the poor slob who has to sit there all day. Look the stuff over well, don't haggle about ridiculously low prices, and put things back how you find them.

Fall Hath Fallen

2008-10-01T12:11:00.001-07:00

Yep, it's officially fall here in the shitty part of the world I call home. The stores have had Halloween crap strewn about since the second week of September. People started decorating their homes and yards not long after. I made an observation on that note: the lower class you are the earlier and more elaborately you decorate for Halloween.

I actually do like Halloween. What better holiday? You dress up so nobody knows who you are and then you go to strangers and take candy. It's so twisted. Who can resist strangers with candy!? Still, there's a time and a place. At least spare me until mid-October, please, I beg you. That doesn't mean I can't start buying the candy and consume it in mass quantities starting now.

The leaves, oh the leaves. Aren't they just beautiful in other people's yards? Mine is littered with a thick carpet of those little carnival colored bastards. I will not rake however much of our 2.5 acres is mowed. I just refuse. That leaves me with one option: mow over them with my non-mulching tractor all into the center of the lawn and then mow over them with the mulching push mower. What a hassle just so they can come down in droves the minute I finish, before I can even gaze about with a feeling of accomplishment. Then there's the lawn tractor. I tend to beat it up horribly, therefore it's currently incapacitated. What, may you ask, can one do to destroy a lawn tractor? Well, let me tell you. It's all very simple. I have a multitude of trees (yes, all leafy) in my mowed section of lawn. I try diligently to mow as close to those trees as possible. Push mowing sucks and the more I leave un-mowed by the tractor, the more I have to push. Got it? So the damn trees sneak up on me when I am sure I am just close enough to mow without hitting the base of the trunk. They dive sideways and bam! I sideswipe the trunks. Know what that does to a big expensive lawn tractor? Let me tell you: it bends the metal deck under which the blade is supposed to spin. The blade will no longer spin without hitting the dent and making a horrible noise if it doesn't cut right through the deck. I know for a fact. I've done this twice in two months. Luckily, I have a handy friend who can fix about anything. He bails me out, laughing at me the whole time, like any good friend would do.

Finally, there's the telltale chill in the air and the early darkness of impending winter. I won't say the four letter S word that I immediately think of when I think of winter in Central New York. There'll be lots of it in due time. All in due time. That means way too soon, in my opinion. We get too much of it, too. It can start in October and take us straight into late March or early April. Doesn't that just suck? Trust me, it does. Then, to make matters worse I moved into an area that is renown for getting more. What was I thinking? The house also seems to have broken thermostats in the bedrooms. Joy!

Trick or F'ing Treat!

Lunch Lady Land

2008-09-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday I got a new tattoo on my foot by my ankle. I really wanted to keep from wearing anything but flip-flops until it healed. If you're a tattoo virgin you should know that the healing period of a tattoo can make or break it forever. Rubbing on it is bad as the scab can come off prematurely and leave a spot of missing color. Therefore, I was hoping that I wouldn't get called in to work and have to wear socks anytime soon. Monday there was no school because Sunday night we had a huge storm knocking out everyone's power. Yippee for not having to work. Booo for having the kids home to misbehave all day and push my every button, even the big red one labeled, "do not touch!"

Tuesday don't I get called in to work. Damn it. I wore rubbery crock-like shoes without socks to try my best to baby the tat. I had a great day at work if you call doing dishes for countless hours great. Wednesday I get called in and later asked if I can possibly work all week. Super. I said yes because I am so new and I need to kiss ass. Today I was instructed to call in and ask if I would be needed. Of course I was. More dishes. Tomorrow I have to call in again. Give me a break. The last two days they've had a trainee to do extra work. They didn't need me and I felt in the way. Please cross all your digits that they say they don't need me tomorrow. I go to breakfast with my friends on Fridays and I need a break. Groceries here are nonexistent and laundry is piling up.

Well, I have officially been inducted into Lunch Lady Land, it seems. I burnt my hand really badly yesterday. It blistered on contact when I hit it against a 450 degree oven rack trying to fish out a pizza that someone stuck in too far. The blister was impressive and lasted until this afternoon. Then, for my final hazing I was kind of yelled at today. I take that kind of thing way too personally, so I am probably making more out of it than it was.

I was in specifically to do dishes, lucky me. People, one girl in particular, kept nudging me aside and taking over even though I was on pace just fine. I was pissed because between tray drop offs I was standing there bored. I looked forward to the trays and dishes just to keep busy. One girl, in particular who's never been too nice to me took the sprayer from me three times in succession. I said, "I can do this, really." I was just being conscientious, I thought. I said it nicely and smirked. Well, she let loose on me. "I just want you to know (read with snotty voice) that here we all pitch in to help each other out," she says. I assured her that I understand and was cool with that but I was being left to stand there doing nothing, which upset me. She didn't take well to that. Seems she was trying to look busy by taking my job thus making me look like a slacker. Grr. Women are too hard to work with. Lunch men would be so much better although I can't see a man in a hair net.

I have always been a huge over achiever in every one of my shitty jobs. It's always bitten me in the ass in one way or another. Usually, though, it causes me to be given more work beyond my job description since I can handle it. Not here. "Well," she says, "We don't let people get backed up here, we all help each other out, that's how we're different than the other schools." Backed up? WTF? I was absolutely not backed up and I took offense to that comment. So, only my 4th day at this location and I've already had someone get snotty with me. Super. I wanna take the bitch out back and make her understand in one way or another that I'll do my own damn job and she can find something else to do with herself. The people here are never going to let me learn by doing either. They just do everything and make me watch, which I hate. I only got to serve lunch the one day I trained there. The other 5 days I've worked I've been doing dishes, sometimes while making fries or cooking pizzas at frantic pace to keep the lines from running out. Sigh. I kept up on it all, though, and those days went by faster.

Lunch Lady Land officially sucks. Don't try it. If you're a stay-at-home-mom, stay that way. You've got it made, trust me. I've worked nights at Dunkin' Donuts, Wegmans, and Suburban Propane. Working nights and watching kids during the days is impossible unless you like being miserable. I've worked in-home babysitting during the days. That was bad in a few ways. Other people's kids suck, I found. The parents took advantage of me. The hours were long and I was tied to my house every single day, unable to make appointments. Then, I worked at the Y watching kids. Imagine a room containing 100 or so kids ranging in age from 18 mo. to 5 or 6. That's if I was lucky and not stuck in the infant room where they range from 6 wks. to 18 mo. Again, other people's kids. Although they were cuter and more likable in the baby room, the ratio of workers to babies was 1 to 4. No one person can care for 4 babies at one time. My boss was a psycho-bitch there and I hated that job in particular. I disliked most of my co-workers. Turns out, I am not too fond of women in general. The last job I liked was working for and with men. I just find it to be the worst of late because it was my last job and it's fresh in my memory. I was sure Lunch Lady Land would be the key. It's a foot in the door. Wait. A foot in what door? In the door of full-time lunch ladiness! Ack! On the bright side, I am home to put my kids on and take them off the bus. I don't work on their half days or off-days. I won't work all summer. Why can't I just like this job? I don't know. I know one thing: work is a 4 letter word and if it didn't suck they would call it fun.

You Can Take the Village Out of the Girl...

2008-09-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

We lived in the village of East Syracuse until a few months ago. It was really going downhill from pretty far down to start. Crime had picked up, gangs were forming, my kids' friends were dirtbags. Said dirtbags showed up at all hours without supervision (young kids) asking if they could eat with us. These kids were visibly dirty, mind you. We'd had enough and it was time for bigger and better things.

So, we moved to a better area and better school for the sake of all of us. Alex (my daughter) came home the first day of school boasting of having a new best friend. Her last best friend was the daughter of friends of mine, classy folk for the village- nice house. They're getting ready to move out of the village, also. I imagined I'd meet the new best friend soon, and soon I did.

Friday I had Georgianna, the friend, come here on the bus from school. The night before I talked to her mom on the phone. I immediately deduced the mom to be a smoker from her voice. I got a little concerned when she told me I'd have to take her daughter home because their only vehicle needed a new starter and an assortment of acquaintances were trying to fix it, not a garage. Then she proceeded to tell me how to find their dwelling. I was told it was a trailer with two green garages out front a dog tied up and bikes outside. I immediately started stereotyping, which I felt guilty for. I was sure it would be nice, although something told me otherwise and to prepare myself. The mom was dim at best on the phone. She was hard to converse with because she didn't 'get' anything I was saying. I tried to tell her all I needed was a street and number and my GPS should find it. She acted like she'd never heard of that. She struggled to give me the color of the trailer. It was an odd conversation at best.

So, the bus came and they ran in with my son in tow. Georgianna is a big girl. She said she weighs 190 lbs. She might weigh either 100 or 90. They're in 4th grade. I weighed 96 when I got married at 21. She had stringy hair and her shirt and pants clashed. Her shirt said, "Play with Coke" no cola, just coke. She showed off her shirt to me. I started asking her about her family a little, like any siblings, etc. She proudly professed to have a baby sister of 4 mo. A sister of 16 who has moved out and has a tattoo portrait of her boyfriend. I have 13 tattoos. I was 18, which is the legal age, when I got my first and it certainly wasn't a portrait of my then boyfriend. That would be awkward now since we're still friends. She told me of her two mothers and two fathers, of a step-sister of 24 and a step-brother who committed suicide at 16 behind her Grandfather's house. I was waiving the red flag by then.

Georgianna was miffed by our house. She loved it. That was nice considering it's full of unpacked boxes and was a mess. I got further concerned. I had initially told Alex there was no way anyone could come here with the house this way. I gave in finally. Georgianna was also shocked that Alex has a door on her room. They use sheets for lack of doors, she said.

After snack it was homework time. Alex had none. Georgianna had some. She didn't finish some in-class work, it seemed. Alex had said she has problems doing her work on time when I asked her earlier if she was a smart kid. Alex is a damn genius and she rubs it in my high IQ face constantly by knowing more than I do. I was hoping her friends would be smart. I looked at the work that Georgianna had just exactly started. Her name was huge and sloppy as hell on the top. The rest was illegible with no spaces between the misspelled words. I decided to call off homework time so she wasn't sitting there struggling all afternoon while Alex waited, probably impatiently. I was hoping her mom could help her later.

So on our visit went until dinner. I made an easy dinner because we had a birthday party to attend soon and I had to take Georgianna home first. We had spaghetti with balls and sauce and veggies. I didn't even remember the cheesy garlic bread I was gonna make. My kids don't like much of anything food-wise. They insisted on no sauce. Alex choked down the meatball I made her eat and neither of my kids would eat the veggies. Georgianna ate two heaping helpings with four balls and plenty of sauce. She ate all her veggies and then ice cream. I was stunned and amazed. This was after an afternoon snack of a can of Pringles and a half a bag of Hot Fries.

It was time to take her home after dinner. We found her street immediately even though we live in the middle of nowhere and she lives even more in the country. Georgianna clued us in when we blew past her invisible driveway, in a forest of trees. When we pulled in I thought she must be horribly mistaken. Surely no one could really live here. Wrong I was. Her mom was outside smoking. I told you so! I can't even begin to describe her trailer. The siding was falling off. It was dirty, no obvious color. Now I know why her mom didn't know what color to tell me it was. It was a single wide. It had no skirt on the bottom of it that I remember. It looked like it had been long since abandoned and they were squatters. If the school could see this, they'd have the state take her away, I'm sure of it. The two green shacks out front were rotten. The driveway was completely under inches of mud water. The poor black dog that was chained to a nasty dog house, that itself should be condemned, looked like hell. He didn't bark. He looked too damn depressed.

Her mom was a whole other can of worms. She had on dirty clothes. She smiled to reveal a few blackish-brown teeth. I mean solid brown/black, not tinted but dead or rotten. We each, my terrified husband and I, shook her lifeless dirty hand and tried to be cordial. I was just beside myself. My feet were soaking up the mud. I didn't want to stay and didn't imagine I could flee fast enough. I was so grateful that she met us outside and didn't invite us in where she said the other dog was. I wasn't concerned about, but for the dog. How do they afford two dogs when we don't think we could fully support one, I wondered. Georgianna was quick to ask if they could have a sleep-over soon. I hope she meant sleep at our house. There's no way in hell I could allow Alex to cross their rotten threshold. I wouldn't myself. I imagined what it must smell like and what it must be infested with. I assured Georgianna that she could sleep over soon, wondering if she would infest our house by proxy. I half wanted to adopt her to save her from her situation for good.

Finally we were able to leave. I was a little worried about backing out that I'd hit one of the probably twenty abandoned tires in piles at the sides of the driveway. I managed not to. We drove in silence except for Nate, my son, who commented that the house was scary. The party got our minds off the squalor for a while. Once home with the kids in bed my husband and I discussed the need to somehow warn Alex about this whole situation. How do you tell your kid, without mincing words, that her new best friend is in a scary situation that you don't want her to be a part of? My daughter is brutally honest and would surely repeat anything we said to her. I quickly passed off the discussion to my more tactful husband before falling asleep afraid that I'd relive that experience in my dreams all night.

Save me from myself- or him from me!

2008-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

My son is the current topic. He simply cannot carry his weight as a 6 year old. It's typical that the Leggos are spread far and wide. He stashes trash under furniture, including uneaten food. His room is a fight to get cleaned. Often when he does he artfully stashes everything under the bed or dresser or in the corner of the closet. Everything is a fight, for that matter. Dinner is a fight, homework is a fight, bath time is a fight. Toothbrushing is a fight if he even does it. This morning they both forgot, again. The 9 yr. old doesn't even seem to know better!

What's different about today? Why harp on the topic? Well... breakfast got out of hand. I started my day by finding chocolate chips smashed into the floor in two rooms. The carpet in one room was trashed with muffin parts. The chair he sat on was covered as was the large table- every inch of it. The remaining muffin and plate were left there. Good morning to me. I was powerless as it was time for work. Off I went knowing that the moment I got home I'd be greeted by the mess. I had to scrub the floors, vacuum the carpet and wipe down everything else. He can clean up lunch in school. Why is it different here? Hell, he can behave in school. He puts up no fights, doesn't talk back and shows no attitude. I asked him why. Know what he said? He said, "It's because I'm not comfortable in school." Hell, I need to make home less comfy, it seems.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Before I saw the muffin mess I realized I'd lost my wristwatch. Not with my clothes, today's or yesterday's. Not on the nightstand or dresser. Not under the bed or on the floor. Not near the computer, on any countertop nor couch. Neither kid had seen it. You gotta be kidding me. My watch quit and moved south? I guess so. Damn it!

Tomorrow morning had better be great. The kids will behave and take care of all of their responsibilities without prodding. I'll sleep until near bus time, only waking to check their progress getting ready. I'll go back to sleep after the bus comes. I'll go to breakfast with my friends and life will be swell. Watch me get called into work. I'll have to say no if I do. I'll be home tomorrow without a car. That's how I know I'll be called in. My first day out of training and I have no way to get to work. They'll call for sure. Eek. They'd better not!

Ode to Parchment Paper

2008-09-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Roses are red

violets are blue

parchment paper

is good for you

Squares have points

circles are spherical

parchment paper is

a goddamned miracle

Why am I so emotionally attached to parchment paper? I'll tell you: on my first day training for lunch ladiness I had to wash dishes, lots of dishes. Many of them were metal baking trays. The lunch was covered with mozzarella cheese. The trays were not lined with parchment paper. Do the math. Every tray had to be painstakingly scraped with a metal scraper. Then they had to be scrubbed with a green or metal scrubby or both. That's before the dishwasher. If they didn't need a second run, I was lucky.

I thought of asking the cook, or anyone there why they didn't use parchment paper on the trays. I decided against it. At the second school I worked at I noticed parchment paper on everything. It was pizza day, so that was a good thing. I mentioned how the last school had not done that. I mentioned how I'd decided not to suggest it. I was assured that my decision to keep my mouth shut was a good one. That if I had spoken up I'd have likely been evaluated as having a bad attitude or being unable to follow directions. Yeesh! The last school I worked for used the parchment paper, too. I just have to hope to hell that when I am called into that first school it's not a messy lunch day. I know, good luck, right?

Dishwashing Nightmares

2008-09-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

So my nightmare has changed from a teetering pile of potatoes to peel to towering stacks of dishes to wash. Today neither happened, thank dog! What did I do you might be asking yourself? I was at the middle school today. The cook was appalled that I'd spent my last shift doing not much more than dishes. She promised to have me run most of the kitchen. Run most of the kitchen I did. I kept plenty busy. They warned me that they were short staffed because someone called in sick and someone else was out indefinitely. I helped make probably 30 trays of pizza, which looked good. I set up hundreds of cookies, which looked good. I served pizza and pasta salad, which looked good, or sandwiches or salad to the kids for many different lunch sessions. I lost count of how many sessions there were. Again, I ate nothing thanks to my fear of being caught not busting my ass every second. Everyone else ate. Some ate plenty.

Serving was the best, well, maybe a tie with making pizza. Some of the kids had funny tee shirts. Some just grunted. Others were very animated. One kid, a future comedian or sex offender, said he had a survey question for me. He asked me if I'd seen the movie Peter Pan. Then when I assured him I had he asked me if it made me feel all warm inside. WTF? I told hm it did not. Then I caught him off guard by asking if it made him feel all warm inside. He said no. That's probably good. That kid is already warped. What will his future hold?

I might just remember most or all of the names of the people I worked with today. That's a huge trick for me. I am missing that part of my brain. The rest is there, I promise you. I have already forgotten the names of most of the whopping 4 people I met Monday. Doh! Then there's the problem of remembering people by what they're wearing. Once they change their clothes, I'm screwed.

Tomorrow's my shot at the high school lunch room. I was given an "Uh oh" look by the cook from the middle school when I told her I was off to the high school next. I hope she was just trying to scare me. She was pretty sarcastic/funny. Well, she seemed like she could turn mean at any moment. She liked me. That's all that matters, I guess. :)

What will my nightmare topic be tonight? Only time will tell. Tragically, I am tired already and it's not even my kids' bed time yet. Maybe I should go peel them off each other and chuck them into the shower before they kill each other. Calgon, take them away!

No Hair Net Required...

2008-09-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

So I am officially a substitute lunch lady. Or is it lunch person? I had to train today. As a SAHM when I hear the word "train" I think of potty training. Potty training is equally exciting as food service training. Don't get me wrong. Exciting I wasn't banking on. I was just hoping at best to not be looking at the time constantly like I did in my last (*) loser job. *I am not saying lunch people are losers, I am one, after all. I am saying the job I HAD was a loser job. Get it? Good! Watch the time I did not.

I found the obscure school with my GPS despite the one lane bridge and the middle-of-nowhere locale. Thank you, Tom Tom! (It has gotten us terribly lost before, trust me.) This is my kids' school district, but we're new to the area. I never had cause to explore these parts before, for obvious reasons. I was 15 minutes early but decided to go in nonetheless, to show my anxiousness to be the best damn lunch lady ever. I found the cafeteria and the cook, clocked in and sealed my fate for the next 4 hrs.

I actually lost sleep thinking I'd not be able to do this job. I saw piles upon piles of potatoes to peel at breakneck speed. I don't peel potatoes. I draw the line there. I buy them pre-mashed in the refrigerated section. If you could buy REAL potatoes already mashed, why the hell wouldn't you?!

No potatoes today. Wanna hear what I did? I filled trays with bananas. I filled trays with yogurt. I scooped peanut butter into small cups and filled trays with that. I filled in the snack rack and the ice cream cooler. I made salad dressing. Why they do that is beyond me when it's better bought pre-made. I never got to touch a knife or the oven. They must've heard about me.

Then it was break time. A break after 2 hours, paid. You heard me right. This is in addition to everyone but me eating breakfast when they arrived. I declined the offer feeling guilty at the thought of sitting and eating instead of working. Yes, I am an overachiever. It obviously got me far in life. I took a flavored water for break and left the godforsaken thing there when I left. Aww, man! I'm thirsty just thinking about it.

After roughly 15 min. I was back to work. There were 5 of us if you include the cook. I was an extra to train. I guess that meant I got all of the work that nobody else wanted. I was busy for the next two hours straight. I don't know what they all did, but I am scared that when I actually fill in for someone there'll be more work than time to do it. I guess time will tell.

What did I do for two hours? I'll tell you. If you're still reading this you are obviously interested and deserve every bloody word. I ... washed ... dishes. Yup. They were the worst dishes I have ever washed, by far. Let me preface that by telling you, in case you hadn't heard rumor, that I DO NOT do dishes. Ever. I have a dishwasher for that. It's a really good one. It cleans anything but wood, which it would ruin, I am told. Therefore, when we use something wooden I make Todd(ler), my loyal hubby, wash it. So, gnarly these dishes were. Today's lunch was a hot dog roll buttered with garlic butter and covered in shredded mozzarella, baked and served with meat sauce to dip. That translates, if you don't speak lunch lady, into baked on, imbedded cheese. Every huge baking tray was covered. No parchment paper to protect the trays and save on work. That would've been too easy. I had to use a metal scraper and then a green scrubby. You're likely wondering if the school has a dishwasher. Yes, in fact, they do. It was me. The automatic dishwasher that just served to heat the room and make noise did nothing more. I was told, and it was true, that the dishes had to go in clean to come out clean.

There I was, scraping off the imbedded cheese and the nasty meat sauce from the baking implements. Then doesn't one of the real lunch ladies come by with a look of horror on her face. Turns out the serving trays, that the kids were dutifully piling up in front of me as they sneered on their way by my toil, were due in the front any moment for the second run of kids. Nobody felt the need to share that info with me. Super. So the two of us proceeded to rush the dirty trays through the dish wetter (we'll call it that since it doesn't actually wash). From then on I washed every tray as it got set down by the sloppy elementary schoolers.

Then, I looked at my watch for the first time. I was due to leave in 15 minutes! I had that dishwashing area all done and cleaned perfectly before my time was up. I was beaming with pride. Then I was offered lunch before I left, but again I passed.

I have my work physical tomorrow. I guess that entails giving me a TB test and making sure I am fit to lift 40 lb. trays. Wednesday I work at the middle school and Thursday the high school. I can hardly wait. Now my nightmares will be of tower upon teetering tower of filthy dishes.

Best part: no hair net required. Nope! I got to wear a hat. That was a load off my mind. :)

So that was my intro to lunch ladiness. Don't fall getting to the phone to see if your school needs one. Use your walking feet, please.